| Today's Inspirational moment: If you really think nobody cares, try missing a few payments |
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please
apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by
sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head
Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please
apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by
sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head
Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
A History of Man and Politics
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer
in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing
up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some
noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth,
the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives
are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more en lightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild
West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer
in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing
up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some
noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth,
the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives
are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more en lightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild
West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
| Todays Un-inspirational Moment: Have you ever stopped to think and forgot to start again? |
| UFO Phil built this time machine in 2005. He said "I have had some success traveling forward in time. In an early test-run, I was catapulted five whole minutes into the future! Unfortunately, it took the machine 5 minutes to get there. So, it still needs some fine-tuning." |
| Update from UFO Phil My previous attempts at time travel were thwarted when my machine caught fire. So, I decided to convert my 1950s-era bomb shelter into a new time machine. I call it my Time Bomb. I plan to launch a full test of the new machine on 6/6/06. I am still awaiting some parts to be shipped from China. |
| Madness has it's toll,,, Please have the exact change. |
This audio is a cell phone call from a guy caught in
traffic in Dallas asking a co-worker to explain to his
boss why he is going to be late to work, I call it
the "Dallas Incident" This is funny
traffic in Dallas asking a co-worker to explain to his
boss why he is going to be late to work, I call it
the "Dallas Incident" This is funny
| Another first for the Italians! A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women." |
| Deacon Paul Brown from Dallas Texas Is a regular caller to a Talk Show this is a song that should have been the theme of the Movie Broke back Mountain Deacon Paul calls it "It Makes Me Woundra" I agree with Brad, Those two guys were not Cowboys They were Sheep herders |
| Top Ten Old West Phrased That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damn Gay Cowboy Movie 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead" 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep" 3. "Don't fret --- I've been in tight spots before" 4. " Howdy, pardner" 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind" 6. Two words: "Saddle Sore" 7. "Hold it right there! Now move your hand reeeal slow-like" 8. "Let's mount up" 9. "Nice spread ya got there!" 10. "Ride'em cowboy!" |
Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade
biology if their lives depended, on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following, __ a Bloody Mary __ a Margarita
__ a Scotch and soda __ a Martini __ a Vodka and Tonic __ a Steak__ lobster__ the remote control __ a bowl of
ice-cream __ the sports page __ chocolate __ sex
it should be presumed that I won't be getting better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug,
reel in the tubes, and call it a day.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade
biology if their lives depended, on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following, __ a Bloody Mary __ a Margarita
__ a Scotch and soda __ a Martini __ a Vodka and Tonic __ a Steak__ lobster__ the remote control __ a bowl of
ice-cream __ the sports page __ chocolate __ sex
it should be presumed that I won't be getting better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug,
reel in the tubes, and call it a day.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Hi, Welcome Back From Your Coma
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| NOTICE The Media Player has not always worked, If it does not start up after clicking the play button click on the Monkey (Below) for "The Monkey Joke" |
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Coffee By The Bay
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This Just In,,,, News Flash
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned
the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's
supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service representatives and Motel 6 managers.
These threats are real folks and it's going get very ugly.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned
the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's
supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service representatives and Motel 6 managers.
These threats are real folks and it's going get very ugly.
| Or click the Dough Boy For “How Croissants are made” Dough boy Accident to use your player or Right Click and "Save link as" to a file of your choice. |
| Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket? |
| And To Our government leaders, I Say: That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway |
| Remember, When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 And Hillary Is "W" In A Paints Suite Support Congressman Ron Paul for President |